Something I wrote for the most recent issue of Non Song. Intersections between being Vietnamese-American, second generation, and gay. Enjoy!

Picture Son: How to Love Yourself and Your Gay Vietnamese Children

By Trung Nguyen

I kept watch at the mailbox every day for the first two weeks of May during my Senior year of high school, memorizing the exact window of time the mail carrier approached our home. He would come between three to four in the afternoon, right when I got out of school. I would rush home at a frenetic pace, keeping an anxious eye out for his white truck and blue uniform, a feverish prayer on the tip of my tongue that I wouldn’t miss him. On the days I managed to bolt home before he arrived, I would wait from my living room with a view of our front yard, straining to identify the envelopes and packages that he would unload from his satchel.

I was on the look out for any oversized envelope, larger than most letters with the dimensions of a manila folder but slender enough to fold to the curved half-circle of our mailbox. Each time that the envelope didn’t arrive, I could breathe for a second, being relieved for the day. But it wasn’t for long – I mentally prepped myself for the next day of waiting and anxiety. It had to come soon. And I had to get it before anybody in the family did.

I wasn’t out to my family. Inside the package would be our prom pictures: my then boyfriend and I, two boys, hands clasped and suits matching. My parents wouldn’t be ready to see this picture, especially because one of them was their only son.

My patience paid off. A day later, the photos arrived and I let myself melt after secretly peering into the envelope. When I looked at our photos, all of the anxiety and fear was worth it. I kept them hidden in my room most of the time, only bringing it out whenever I was feeling particularly lonely or needed something to cheer me up.

One day, I got a call from my mom while I was out. “I cleaned your room today. I just wanted to let you know.” Searching for a reason why she would call me for something so simple, I thanked her and let her know I’d be home for dinner.

The realization only came later. My heart stopped. I forgot to put away our prom pictures. I rushed back home.

***

I was my parents’ many firsts. I was their first born (and only) son, the first to be surrounded by an entire family who had spent the last twenty years resettling from Vietnam, the first to graduate high school with a 4.0, and the first to go to a UC school – these were some of the highlights of many other firsts.

While more these firsts than I could count were met with anticipation and celebratory welcoming than with unease and tension, my parents never expected that I would also be their first gay child.

I grew up in East Side San Jose, an immense Vietnamese-American enclave and Southeast Asian refugee haven. It was nearly impossible to be alone as a child: our entire extended family lived within three blocks of one another, my schools offered Vietnamese bilingual education, and my friends didn’t question why I brought out fish sauce instead of soy sauce to the dinner table. I had a strong sense of my history and my heritage. Yet despite being affirmed in my Vietnamese identity, I couldn’t shake off a chronic sense of immense loneliness and crippling fear I had growing up. It was a fear I couldn’t escape, one that I was reminded about day to day: the fear of being who I was and loving who I wanted to love. It was paralyzing.

This same fear propelled me home the night my mom called me. Would my key work or would the locks be changed? If I had five minutes to stuff my belongings into a bag, what would I take? How much of a physical or emotional beating could I take before I made a run back out the door?

I was terrified — mostly, of losing my family. I lingered on the sidewalk of my house, carefully observing the lights in every room, as if staring at the flickering yellow glow would magically show me what everyone was doing. I talked to my then boyfriend and made back-up plan after back-up plan in case I would get kicked out. After assuring me a warm place to sleep and food to eat, I worked up the courage to enter the house.

My keys worked. I stepped inside. It was quiet. My mom was watching TV with my dad. I snuck my way past them, still fearful. As I entered my room, I couldn’t have prepared myself for what I saw.

At the front of my desk was my prom picture, neatly framed in new black wood.

***

We don’t speak of it much but small actions have liberated me over the years. They no longer bother me about girlfriends. They invite my “friend” over for family celebrations. They leave out two plates for breakfast when my boyfriend stays for the night. In the process of letting go of fear and allowing myself to love without fear of losing my family, I have become an active member of both the Vietnamese and LGBT community, working with youth and advocating for a stronger future. I would have never done any of this had I continued to live in fear.

Like many Vietnamese families, there wasn’t much my family could offer by way of support, but what they did have was their love. But this was all I could have asked for and this is what I ask of all my readers: continue loving your sons, daughters, little brothers and sisters even if they love somebody of the same sex. You have the power to transform and empower a life and I urge you to use it for the better.   

four letter term meant to devalue a body’s history, family, ancestry as intimately intertwined within its physicality —

slanted eyes unfit to blink within the round boxes as seen on tv and cosmo-girl magazines; faulty lenses indicate faulty perception, and thus receptions from the higher-ups in professions made to cause us shame and cause our little ones to go through pains with scotch tapes, fake blue contacts, and eyelid surgeries seek to make us seem alien.

and who’s to blame?

four letter term meant to devalue a body’s history, family, ancestry as intimately intertwined within its physicality —

un-able body : scrawny, large, long, short, up, down, left, right, of, above, around, unsound, rotate. “able” bodies take away our agency projecting upon us a misrepresentation — these binary presentations: asian american - asexualized and oversexualized, male and female, uncivilized and idolized, invisible and juvenile. 

and who’s to blame?

four letter term meant to devalue a body’s history, family, ancestry as intimately intertwined within its physicality —

yellow skin carve a space to conceptualize one crayon in the box of marginalization. one color to draw in the shades of experiences numbering more than a million. yet with one color, one can only move in the direction of darken or lighten. true pictures, then, colored over and unspoken.

and who’s to blame?

but these slant eyes can see my grandmother’s flaring nostrils

but this body can speak my grandfather’s sturdy back

but this skin can breathe the inbetweenness of my pale mother’s city and my tanned  father’s countryside

four letter term meant to devalue a body’s history, family, ancestry as intimately intertwined within its physicality —

U as in [yo]U the celebrated subject of this piece, G as in your G[enes] a reminder in the mirror of the stories and secrets bestowed upon you through flesh and blood, L as in these are the essential [e]L-ements which ought to [e]L-evate your being, Y as in the answer to [wh]Y you exist lay no farther than looking back x years minus 9 months.

four letter term meant to devalue a body’s history, family, ancestry as intimately intertwined within its physicality —

DIS-member the term into four letters and RE-member the well-worn paths which stand higher than these colonizing invaders. those features inscribed upon our bodies is an unshakable beauty greater than a single mind (or many) could ever seek to shatter: for each jut, gradient, nook and curvature of our bodies is a monument to a landscape that stands higher than any four letter term; we ourselves are the true creator.